You
by Jem.Rainbow
Summary: You changed my life. You turned everything upside down. And I honestly don't know how I feel about that.


**Hey! So remember the guy that inspired my story 'How Could You'? Well, here I am. Writing about him. Again. This will be a letter to Jax from Emma, only it won't be. This is a letter I wrote for you, 'Andrew'. This is me pretending what happened to me happened to my OTP cause I can't damn well deal with it. This is my closure. Well, without further ado, here you go.**

 **PS: This happened in 8th grade in the story. It's AU, clearly. They go to a K-8 school and Jessie is a guy. Emma wrote it. It's for Jax. At least, in the story aspect.**

 **Disclaimer: EWW isn't mine. But, the feelings are.**

* * *

Hey.

So, here we are. I'm writing you a letter you'll never see. I won't send it, you won't find it. But I need this. I need closure.

You were the world to me. You took away the pain of my first breakup, had me happy when I thought I couldn't get through the day. You were my friend when I was the new girl no one knew, no one wanted to know.

You took care of me when I had an anxiety attack. You were the only one I trusted to take care of me.

I laughed at your jokes. Your dirty, demeaning jokes because there was something there. Some spark that made my disgust fade. A light in your eyes that I thought, no, _knew_ no one else saw.

They told me to stay away from you. They told me to run as fast as I could, get my locker changed, even my schedule. I didn't listen. I saw that spark in you, believed there was something there. That they were wrong.

Turns out I was.

We became good friends. Laughed in homeroom and the halls, sat together at lunch, everything.

I fell for you. Fast. Hard.

I invented Rob. Oh, Rob. My crush from a different school I knew you had never been to. He was a character, nothing else.

A way to talk with my closest friend, you, about himself without his knowledge.

Then clue one came. Oh, clue one.

1\. We were leaving homeroom. I heard you talking to your friend about some girl you liked. I was wearing the boots. The ones you always say you can't imagine wearing in a daily basis. They're an inch and a half tall, by the way. You were half an inch off.

I heard her name. The one that hurt you. Not by getting a boyfriend, the other one. This was before her.

That was the first time I swore I'd let go. But I couldn't. As much as I hated to admit it, I was starting to love you.

Then a few days later you hinted. People had made jokes about your crush and another guy in class. I'll call him Jake. I asked if you were alright while we were at our lockers, side by side, and you said yes. That you liked another girl, but you thought she'd be moving soon.

Just a day before that, maybe two, I told you I probably wouldn't be there long. So I decided to give you the news I'd gotten last night, that I might not have been.

I smiled the rest of that day you know.

A few days later it happened. One of your best friends. My boyfriend.

Oh, life is complicated as hell now isn't it.

But here it comes. Reason/clue Two.

2\. Homeroom. Again. Late February. You and him sat in the table in front of me. The English teacher left the room and we started talking.

He had asked you to ask me out for him. You did.

I was hurt. I wanted that proposition to be from you, not for him. I turned him down gently. Said Rob had just hurt me and I wasn't ready.

It wasn't a lie.

He was sweet. Understanding. Very, 'Daniel' like. ( **A/n both fake name and character name :)**

Then Thursday came. I found out about her.

You know who I mean this time.

She was one of my friends. I knew she was into the guy your other crush was with that one day.

The girl was her. Not me. It hurt. I thought of your, no, our friend.

The next day I pulled him to the side. I asked if the date was still on the table. He said it was, and that's when we started.

I still don't know what to classify that day as. Good, bad.

Maybe both.

I started to feel a small something toward him. I thought I could get over you. Move on.

God, how wrong I was.

3\. She left. Moved temporarily (unbeknownst to us at the time) and you decided you were too damn prideful to accept that she didn't like you. You made a rumor. But you didn't stop at dating, no.

You had to go around and tell literally everyone that you slept with her. And no, I don't mean in the same bed. You told everyone you _slept_ with her.

Including me.

And when I, the most willing to forget it confronted you about what you said about my friend, what did you do?

Said that it was true. You lied to my face. It wasn't for a while afterward that you admitted it was a lie.

I talked. I'm a talker, it's what we do. I told anyone I trusted how unfair it was to her that you were making her seem like a skank when she wasn't.

That came back to bite me in the ass later, didn't it.

I'm pretty sure you're the one that told her I said she was, even though I didn't. You've been hurting me so long that I genuinely believe you did.

* * *

I started to get past it. You were pining after her again, I was busy with my writing, I forgot. We were friends, that's all.

And then she hurt you.

You'd been flirting on and off, but it went nowhere. You were done. You told her that much.

And then she decided to tell you she had a boyfriend. With a note I read out the corner of my eye as you did. She'd flirted with, you. Anyone with eyes knew it.

And she had a boyfriend.

At that point, and I hate to be this bitchy, but I really did think she was what she thought I said she was.

4\. Lunch. A few weeks later. For days after you'd been writing on your arms, barely talking, and acting all around depressed. You hadn't shown up once or twice. And you were finally better.

And then that, I have no nice noun for her, made me angry.

She had the friggin _audacity_ to ask to ask you to take her lunch tray to the trashcan.

It was like, less than 40 feet away! She could have walked like the rest of us. She's not royalty.

You did it, and while you were gone I got pissed off. I told her she had no right to ask you to do that. That you were done with her.

She said that she knew. Reminded me of her boyfriend and your Haley. Oh, do I have a lot to say about Haley. But, she's for another number.

We argued, and I didn't notice when you went back to your seat and started listening. The last thing I said to her was not to mess with my friends. Then I took my tray to the trash, myself. Because I'm not scared to walk.

I heard you talk to her in math. I heard you tell her that you heard what I said. And it hurt. Knowing you would rather side with her than the one that cared enough to stand up for you.

The _only_ one that saw the light in your eyes. When she hurt you I was sent right back into the twisting, turning rollercoaster that was having feelings for you.

But you chose her.

5\. This isn't a clue. More of a memory that I love and hate.

The zoo.

My necklace.

The first time Daniel and I fought.

Our field trip. The one they let us go off on our own on to prove ourselves for D.C. His friends dragged me all over the place. The jerky one made us walk like a quarter of a mile to go to a food place with a line that was longer than the pizza joint and then back.

'Daniel' and I had been together for two months that day. But he was ignoring me. For the jerk, the idiot, and the one I actually get along with.

On that whole bus ride we all laughed, talked, made videos on my phone. Then we split up at the zoo. Him and I in one group, you in another.

So, after they refused me lunch for like half an hour before we ate, we went back to the same exhibit we'd been to before. Bird cages.

I told him I wanted to ditch the others, but he said we needed a group of three. So we stayed, and I was getting mad.

Then, two of my friends came over to us. Their friends had ditched them, and they stayed in our group. I know, you know the story. But, I'll tell you anyway.

The boys went to do park our, and the girls and I stood off to the side. At this point I was pissed off. He had barely looked at me. Every time we touched I initiated it.

The girls mentioned wanting to see the tiger, and it happened to be by the gift shop. So we left and saw them. Then, I got the necklace.

Oh, the necklace. The sweet, small giraffe necklace that reminds me so much of you.

I blew up on him later, after we got it. He hadn't even really looked at me, I was dressed up for him, and honestly my anti-bitch meds were wearing off. (Pamprin)

I went to the bathroom with the girls after I stormed off. And then it happened. I had an anxiety attack.

A really, really bad one.

Your name. The first word off my lips was your name. Then, that I needed to find you. That you could make it better.

I stormed out into the main area and started looking for you. But, I was really walking in circles screaming your name and asking anyone from school that passed if they had seen you.

He walked by, and it got worse. I could barely walk. The girls had lost me, and decided finding you was the best way to help.

I went to a zoo person and said I lost my group. It wasn't a lie, except I told her your name. Not his, or one of the girls'. Yours.

She asked me to sit on a rock. I fell on it more than I sat. Just as I did you came into vision. I was breathing. I didn't care that your friends, the girls, and everyone from my group (including him) was seeing me panic. Only that the only person I knew could fix it was there.

I said I didn't want to talk in front of him, and you walked me over to the gift shop. You had me better in what, two minutes?! I went from not walking to just being on edge from two minutes and a hug with you.

You are magic!

We walked, talked, and I felt myself relax a bit. I mean, I still felt like being a bitch to him, but I wasn't going to slap a random stranger.

We sat down on a bench, with a chaperone next to us. I had on those stupid fake nails (wolverine claws ;)), and I couldn't put my necklace on. I asked you to. You did.

Your fingers skimmed the side of my neck. Barely, but they did. I bit my lip really, really hard to stop my gasp. I had to remind myself how to breathe normally for a while.

We took a selfie together. The thing is, my crappy phone is angled to where we were like, right up against each other when we took it. And I knew it dad that. I knew good and well.

I still stare at it you know.

I got your (well, your mom's) number, and promised to call you. You stayed with me the rest of the trip, and you were right behind me on the bus, when I had another attack. But, the zoo isn't the focal point of this letter. Moving on.

6\. Lunch, the next day. 'Daniel' and I were fine again, and I sat with you. I found out sometime during that period that Haley wasn't real.

But your actual girlfriend was.

I took my tray to the trash minutes later, when it wouldn't seem that weird. I stormed into the bathroom and started having another attack. I fell against the wall, and one of the girls that was in there got a lunch supervisor or whatever, and she called the nurse.

7\. I eventually calmed down a bit, but if she was going to let me go back I had to completely.

She called you up there. I'd talked to the guidance counselor that morning and was supposed to talk with you anyway.

You got here, and didn't seem to care that I had pulled you out of math. You do seem to hate it.

You sat down, and I was almost crying. I lied. And then I got so mad at myself that I couldn't. Because you were up there so I could stop lying.

I told you. That I felt like a sucky friend because your girlfriend was one of my friends, why it made me feel like that. I told you that I liked you, and that I felt like I was hurting 'Daniel'.

I downplayed the hell out of how I felt for you.

You left the office, with a secret you knew was not meant for any other breathing, anything to hear. I followed minutes later, and went to what was now 7th period.

And then eighth came, and some random guy asked if I'd said I liked you. I choked on the air I was breathing, you know. I lied, and gave you a pointed look. He said he heard it from my boyfriend, and I had to leave the room. I sat on the steps and cried. You say you went to talk to me, but you didn't.

By the time I walked to the bathroom you'd walked upstairs, down and up again. Some kids found me and told me I had to calm down.

I called you that afternoon, and you promised the next day you would fix it. You say you did.

But then why did you also tell me my boyfriend knew it wasn't a lie the following Wednesday? Why did you lie to me?

Friday I got sent home. I was sick. That day I left the note in your locker. The one with the saying. You couldn't read it, so I'll write it out for you in different writing.

 _It's funny how the world makes things turn out._

 _Sometimes the most unlikely of people end up being the only ones with enough of you to shatter your heart completely._

You weren't far off. It's a song reference. Teardrops on my guitar, Taylor Swift. I changed the lyric a little though.

Now, onto Wednesday.

Oh boy.

8-10. Yes. This is enough to be three reasons.

I was in the cafeteria with one of my friends, and she was eating breakfast. Your brother came over to us.

The first time was to ask if I liked you. I lied.

The second time was to say you said I was lying. I lied again. Yes, I feel guilty. He's a kid.

Then the last time. He said that you had told him some stuff. That you were using your girlfriend, the friend I threatened to kill you if you hurt, to get to me. The, he proceeded to tell me that you had also said that it had worked and you were cheating on her with me.

Oh, 'Andi' and I were absolutely pissed.

I started shouting. I scared the hell out of 'Jesse' and Andi's sister's boyfriend.

She got up first, and I ran for her. We told your girlfriend, our friend. The whole time I was pissed, but I did my best to be as kind and understanding as possible.

Now, let me flash forward. So, you made about 4-10 stories, blamed your brother and I both, got most of my friends to turn on me, caused me to lose my boyfriend, and started a panic attack. And that whole time I held onto that dumb necklace.

Eventually I made Andi take it off and put it in my purse. And then we saw the guidance counselor.

Daniel and I had been in there earlier, and we were ok. You and I were going to talk now.

I gave you two minutes, and you used them on what I genuinely believe are lies. And the counselor was no help at all. 'Oh, he can tell your boyfriend whatever he wants, but you can't be mad at him for acting like you would ever cheat on your boyfriend or hurt his girlfriend when you wouldn't.'

That is legit what it felt like she was saying.

At the end of our argument we, no. You, decided you wanted nothing to do with me. You wanted our friendship to be over. Mostly for things I never said or did.

I never called your former crush a skank. I did say those things to her in the lunch room, but you know why. And I _never_ put your brother up to anything. Yeah, maybe he was lying. But you also accused me of putting him up to it.

So, either you lied or both of you did. Either way, you lied.

I was sick of dealing with it. I was done picking up the pieces of the mess you made. I said I wanted it to be over too.

I didn't. I still don't.

Then the very next day you asked if you could talk to me on the way to the auditorium after lunch. I thought you were going to finally ask me yourself if the song I sang at the talent show was about you instead of continuing to tell everyone it was. But, that wasn't it.

You told me you missed me. It had been just over 24 hours, and you _missed_ me. Must be some record.

Wait, scratch that. You were too prideful to admit it. I had to say it for you. But, not the point.

 _You_ were the first to suggest we stop, whatever we had. It was no friendship, but it wasn't a relationship. It wasn't a rivalry, and we weren't frenemies. I honestly don't know what we were. Or what we are.

And you missed me.

But, I couldn't forgive you. Not that easy.

This is the first step. Maybe you'll see it, maybe you won't. But, I need to be honest.

I loved what we had. Laughing, talking, _belonging_. I loved being friends with you.

And I loved whatever it is we were, when we were somewhere between that.

I ought to hate you. Heck, I have said I do. But... I don't. I never have, never will. I can't, honestly.

They say you never forget your first love. I always assumed that was your first boyfriend, or whatever. But I was wrong.

Your first love makes your heard spin like a top. It's frustration, and it's exhaustion, and it's hitting the bottom of your heart and continuing to dig. It's exhilarating, and it's fun, and it's hard. It sucks at times and you just want to scream.

But, in the words of Hunter Hayes, "It ain't right if you ain't lost your mind"

And when I stop thinking, there's something I have to admit.

Somewhere along the line, I think you became that.

And, look where we are. The "to be continued" line at the end of a movie. The end of the letter.

If you do see this, I want to make one thing clear. You saw it because I let you. And if you tell anyone, your chance of getting me back officially hits -infinity. That includes your brother, my boyfriend, and everyone else. This is for you, no one else.

Thank you. For our time together. For being the person I always needed. Thank you for giving me one heck of a story.

But most of all, please do this one thing.

Go back to being the same guy that had eyes that shine. The one I fell for. Even if we never go back to friends, just do that.

Don't make the world suffer the loss of a truly _wonderful_ person.

Okay. I'm done with this long as crap letter.

Goodbye.


End file.
